Posted by: Rachel | September 2, 2011


Did you ever have a day, but it’s not a day, it’s a week or month or year, when you felt everything is going wrong? But you feel like you shouldn’t complain, because other people’s lives suck too. You feel like a failure, do everything too late or wrong, or not the right way. Things need to be done and you aren’t sure how to do them or where to start. You are being pulled in so many directions you feel like you are going to just break and splatter all over. You don’t feel like starting because the ending isn’t even a light at the end of the tunnel. It’s so far away it doesn’t even exist. The ending is a candle that’s been snuffed out, and the wax is cold. You don’t measure up and you never will.

It feels like a dark oppressive cloud is hanging over your head, smothering you, preventing all sunshine from reaching your face. The air is stale, you long for just one breath of cool fresh air. You want to breathe it in so deep, but it just isn’t there.

It feels like you are in a box and the wolves are trying to get you. The wolves keep coming and the box is getting smaller. Finally the box is so small and you are crouched down with no room to breath and a hundred hungry wolves are right outside the box with their smelly snouts ready to tear apart the box.

You long for days when there is a spring to your step and joy on your face. You can see the days like that, they play in your mind like a black and white movie from yesteryear. In the grainy film a woman with a 50’s style dress and high heels for housework is smiling. She looks so pure, so lovely. You feel like a refugee in tattered dirty clothes, with a dark empty look in your eyes. All hope for a bright future is gone.

All around you life is happening, people are talking, moving, laughing. You are a plastic mannequin, but not a smiling pretty one. Someone could come and take one of your plastic limbs and you wouldn’t feel it. The numbness goes down to your soul, although you aren’t sure you even have a soul anymore.

You want to just leave; leave everything behind. Come back in a few months, and have everything resolved and taken care of.  Maybe you don’t even want to come back. You want to go home. Home, the place you used to go to when you were a child, a refuge. Where everything was all right.

But there is no home anymore. And there is no going away.



  1. Hi, I don’t know you and don’t even remember where I came across your blog, but if this is you feeling this way, PLEASE go see a doctor and tell them how you feel. I have personal experience with depression and it is NOT fun. The sooner you get help, the sooner you will start feeling normal again! =)

    • Janelle,
      Thank you so much for caring. I am actually on an antidepressant, but have a very bad habit of not always taking them like I should. Since I wrote this post I have felt much better but I do agree with you that if someone does feel like this they should definitely get help.
      Thanks for reading!

  2. I know exactly how it feels. I love how you described it. I feel like everything is moving around me while I stand still. A mannequin, yes. Stay strong!

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